By Jose Raul Vaquero

Philanthropist • A better world is possible

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In many cultures, male identity has traditionally been defined by the role of provider and an almost exclusive connection to work.

This view has offered status, structure, and meaning, but has limited many men’s mental and relational development.

So, what happens when that role disappears due to retirement or other life changes in adulthood?

For too many men, it means facing a loss of purpose, progressive isolation, and emotional disconnection — all of which impact not only their mental health but also their physical and social well-being.

At the Institute nuevamasculinidad.org, we have identified a recurring pattern: older men with vast social networks but weak or nonexistent emotional bonds.

This concept of loneliness goes beyond counting the number of people present in one’s own company. It emphasises the importance of the depth and quality of those connections. Even when surrounded by many individuals, people can feel isolated if their relationships lack emotional intimacy and meaningful engagement. The strength of the bonds we form with others, built on trust, understanding, and shared experiences, truly defines our sense of belonging and connection.

The deficit becomes especially apparent during times of grief, illness, divorce, or transition. This reality reveals a silent crisis and a powerful opportunity to rethink what it means to be a man in later life.

Redefining masculinity at this stage is not merely a matter of public policy or institutional programs. It is, above all, a cultural, emotional, and psychological task. A process of unlearning and relearning that opens the door to a more empathetic, conscious, and human masculinity.

Promoting this vision of manhood can be a form of daily revolution—one that transforms, rebuilds, and liberates.

Retirement, losing loved ones, family changes, and transforming social environments can plunge many older men into profound emotional disconnection.

Even if they have partners, children, or acquaintances, the absence of strong emotional bonds and spaces to express vulnerability leaves them in unrecognised emotional isolation.

For decades, loneliness in old age has been mainly associated with women. However, recent studies paint a different picture that calls for a shift in this perception:

• Canada: According to Statistics Canada, 15% of men over 65 reported feeling lonely in 2023–2024. This number rises to 31% among widowed or divorced people.
• United Kingdom: Age UK estimates that 550,000 older men live alone. This number could increase by 65% by 2030, with many maintaining minimal contact with their close social circles.
• Australia: The organisation Healthy Male highlights that 43% of men experience loneliness, which increases significantly with age.
• Spain: According to the National Statistics Institute, nearly 40% of people over 65 feel lonely, with men suffering the most, in part due to the fragility of their emotional support networks.

These figures reflect an unintended but frequent consequence of the traditional masculinity model—a model built on self-sufficiency, strength, and emotional restraint that, in later life, leaves many men without the emotional tools to navigate solitude or closeness.

It’s a model that no longer serves them and urgently needs an update.

Adulthood does not need to be a closing chapter; it needs to be a reinvention stage.

Far from an inevitable decline, it can become a journey toward emotional well-being, deeper connection, and authenticity. This is where the reconstruction of masculinity takes on a more intimate and powerful dimension: it’s not about changing for others but about reconnecting with oneself and choosing a fuller, more connected version of manhood.

This process doesn’t demand radical transformations but the accumulation of small, conscious acts that generate significant impacts. Simple, everyday actions are within everyone’s reach and can help weave a life of greater purpose, stronger bonds, and more peace.

My dear friend Ernesto is living proof of this.

At 72, he experienced a deep emotional crisis after retirement. For decades, his identity had been tied to his role as an engineer and family provider.

But with retirement, his inner world collapsed. That is, until one day, his granddaughter asked him for help with a school woodworking project. That simple gesture reconnected him with a forgotten passion. Soon, he began crafting toys and furniture, eventually volunteering at a community workshop. He found a new purpose and meaningful relationships there that helped him reconnect with himself and others.

Ernesto’s story leaves us with a powerful question, especially for those who feel disconnected or lost in this stage of life:

What forgotten passions could you rediscover today that reconnect you with yourself and others?

That question, though uncomfortable, could be the first step in a profound transformation journey.

While every personal journey is unique, I’d like to share five practical, simple acts that many men can begin — and that women around them can support, without carrying the full emotional load — to start rebuilding emotional and relational well-being.

These acts require no primary resources—just willingness and openness. Each has the potential to transform individual lives, families, relationships, and communities.

• First, cultivate optimism and resilience. This doesn’t mean denying pain or difficulties, but learning to see them differently. Resilience grows when we stop demanding perfection and recognise our capacity to adapt with dignity. Science backs this up: men with an optimistic and flexible mindset enjoy better health, reduced depression risk, and longer life. Ernesto discovered this without even realising it: he didn’t try to be who he once was — he found a new way of being in the world.
• Second, foster autonomy and purpose. When work no longer defines the daily routine, it’s essential to ask: “Why do I get up in the morning?” Answers can be as simple as helping others, writing memoirs, learning a craft, or teaching what you know. What matters is not the activity, but the meaning we give it. And here, the support of women—partners, daughters, friends, can be essential in inspiring new possibilities.
• Third, adopt a growth mindset. Many men were raised to believe, “I am who I am“, and “I can’t change.” But neuroscience proves otherwise: the mind is plastic, and we can always learn to listen, name emotions, ask for forgiveness, or express gratitude. Opening up to change is a courageous act that can revive relationships and heal wounds.
• Fourth, develop a positive attitude toward ageing. Rather than seeing it as a series of losses, ageing can be a time of wisdom, freedom, and enjoyment. Changing our story about ageing isn’t naive — it’s therapeutic. How we perceive ageing affects our mental health, our relationships, and how we live each day.
• Fifth, create real emotional bonds. Having contacts isn’t enough — we need friendships where we can share silence, fears, joy, and memories. Many men don’t know how to build these bonds, but it can start simply by inviting someone for coffee, calling an old friend, or sharing a concern.

Women — mothers, daughters, partners, friends, companions — have historically been emotional pillars in the lives of men.

In adulthood, their influence can be crucial in helping men reconnect with their emotions, redefine their identity, and embrace a healthier, more connected masculinity.

Listening without judgment: creating safe spaces

Women can foster trust by actively listening without judgment and validating men’s emotions. Empathy can be the first step toward more open and honest communication.

Since 2017, the Centro de Escucha San Camilo in Valencia has supported over 180 people, many of them men facing abuse, unemployment, or identity crises. This practice, inspired by Carl Rogers’ humanistic psychology, offers a replicable model of compassionate emotional support.

Sharing experiences: normalising vulnerability

By expressing their emotions, women help dismantle the myth that vulnerability is weakness. This attitude creates a more authentic environment that fosters emotional connection and mutual learning.

Encouraging professional help

Many men hesitate to seek help due to the myth of male self-sufficiency. By sharing personal experiences or suggesting therapy in a supportive way, women can help men access professional emotional care without stigma.

Reinforcing positive masculinity

Acknowledging behaviours that reflect empathetic masculinity, such as care, tenderness, or emotional expression, reinforces transformation. This affirmation can have a profound impact, especially on men who were never validated for being sensitive.

Setting healthy boundaries

Supporting men doesn’t mean taking full responsibility for their emotional growth. Studies like the one from the European Institute for Gender Equality (EIGE) report that 73.6% of family caregiving in Spain falls on women, often migrant women, affecting their mental health, professional growth, and autonomy.

Setting clear boundaries protects women from emotional burnout and fosters more balanced, sustainable relationships.

If there’s one thing this article clarifies, rebuilding masculinity in adulthood does not require grand gestures or radical change.

Often, small acts — attentive listening, a word of encouragement, a healthy boundary, a tender gesture, an uncomfortable conversation — plant the seeds of the most profound transformation.

As Howard Zinn said:

Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.

This philosophy is alive in hundreds of communities where men and women, with awareness and intention, are building new ways of relating, caring, and living masculinity from a more human and equitable perspective.

I invite every reader to reflect on how, from their position, they can contribute small gestures toward this cultural shift.

• To the men: I invite you to look inward honestly and ask yourself what parts of you are waiting to be rediscovered.
• To the women: thank you for your patience, guidance, and ability to set boundaries with love, recognising that supporting men does not mean carrying what is not yours to bear.

Ultimately, it is in the sum of these small actions that true transformation lies.

Thank you for reading!